The Truth About Love & Healing: What Actually Works for Black Women

They told us love would fix everything. That if we just gave enough of it, or found the right man to pour it into us, the pain would fade. That love could erase trauma, silence the past, and save us from ourselves.

But what happens when love ain’t enough?

What happens when the man who says “I love you” is also the one who broke you? What happens when your love for your kids keeps you pushing, but you still feel empty inside? What happens when love doesn’t feel safe—because your idea of love came from people who never really knew how to give it?

For so many Black women, love has been a battlefield. We’ve been taught to fight for it. Sacrifice for it. Stay silent for it. And somehow, we still end up abandoned, overlooked, or misunderstood. But sis, the gag is—love is not the cure. At least not the way they told us it would be.

Let’s peel this back. Let’s unlearn what never served us and replace it with truth, intention, and a healing path that actually leads to freedom.

The Myth of “Love Heals All”: Why That Narrative Hurts More Than It Helps

They made it sound so sweet, didn’t they? That fairytale of love being the thing that saves you. That if you just held on long enough—if you loved hard enough—he would change. You would feel whole. Life would get lighter.

But the truth is, love without healing is just emotional debt. And we’ve been overdrafting ourselves in relationships that were never equipped to carry our wounds.

When I was deep in my trauma, I clung to love like it was a lifeline. I thought it would be the thing that pulled me out of the darkness. But it ended up dragging me deeper because I didn’t realize I was still bleeding—and expecting someone else to stop the bleeding without even knowing where the wound was.

That’s why this myth is so dangerous. Because it keeps us stuck. It makes us believe that if the love fails, we failed. It convinces us to settle for crumbs, to stay in cycles, to betray ourselves just to feel wanted.

Love is sacred, yes. But it was never meant to be the whole medicine.

Journal Prompt:
Have you ever used love to avoid doing the real healing work? What was the cost? What did it teach you about what love cannot do? 

Communication Is the Real Love Language—Not Just Words, But Vulnerability

You can say “I love you” a hundred times and still not be heard.

Real love—healing love—requires truth-telling. Not just surface-level check-ins. I mean gut-level, throat-choking, heart-wrenching truth. And most of us never learned how to do that safely.

We weren’t raised to be emotionally fluent. We were raised to be “strong.” So we hold things in, suppress what we need, and show up like we’re fine even when we’re falling apart. We don’t communicate—we cope. We don’t connect—we perform.

But sis, vulnerability is not weakness. It’s the bridge between love and healing. Without it, love stays in our heads instead of moving into our hearts. And that’s why so many of us feel unloved even when we’re partnered.

When I started communicating from a healed place—not begging, not blaming, just being honest—everything shifted. My friendships got deeper. My relationship with my kids softened. And most importantly, my relationship with myself became sacred.

Writing Prompt:
What is one truth about your needs, fears, or desires that you’ve been too afraid to say out loud? Write it down without judgment. 

Coaching Is Not Weakness—It’s a Power Move for Healing

Let’s kill this idea that needing help makes us weak. Especially in a world that gaslights Black women into thinking we’re only valuable when we’re self-sufficient.

The first time I sought coaching, I was desperate. Lost. Drowning in responsibility, trauma, and guilt. I didn’t need someone to rescue me—I needed someone to help me resurrect me. That’s what coaching did. It gave me tools, reflection, and strategy. But more than that—it gave me permission to be human.

Holistic healing through coaching changed everything. It helped me address not just my mindset, but my energy, my habits, my boundaries, and my spiritual alignment. Coaching helped me stop reacting and start responding. It pulled me out of survival mode and reintroduced me to peace.

And now? I coach other women through the same transformation. Because healing shouldn’t be reserved for people with privilege. It should be accessible, sacred, and ours.

Reflection Prompt:
If you had a coach right now who could help guide you back to your center, what’s the first thing you’d want to unpack or explore? 

Self-Love Ain’t Just Baths and Candles—It’s Boundaries, Inner Work, and Fire

Social media turned self-love into aesthetics. Pretty bubble baths. Face masks. Vacations. But self-love is warfare, baby. Especially when you grew up in chaos, abuse, or neglect. Loving yourself in a world that profits off your low self-worth is a radical act.

Self-love is leaving the room when it’s no longer safe for your spirit. It’s checking your own toxic traits. It’s telling your inner child, “You were never the problem.” It’s creating rituals that pour back into you after the world drained you dry.

For me, self-love looked like writing myself out of despair. It looked like turning off my phone to pray and breathe. It looked like holding my babies and telling them, “We breaking the cycle.”

Self-love is not a moment—it’s a movement.

Self-Love Prompt:
What’s one thing your healed self would no longer tolerate? What boundary can you set today in honor of that version of you? 

Understanding Love Languages: Your Healing Might Speak a Different Dialect

Some of us were taught to love loud—but received love silently. Others were raised on survival, not affection, so even a small “I see you” can feel like a hug.

Knowing your love language—and your partner’s—is not just about romance. It’s about emotional fluency. It’s about safety. Understanding that you need words of affirmation, or acts of service, or physical touch, or quality time—it gives your healing a voice. It teaches you how to ask for what nourishes you.

When we don’t know our love language, we accept whatever’s offered. When we do know it, we can start curating our environment and relationships around the kind of love that actually restores us.

Love can be present but still feel empty when it’s being spoken in the wrong language.

Healing Prompt:
What’s your primary love language? Are you honoring it for yourself first—or only expecting others to meet it for you? 

Let Go of the Fantasy—Set Real Expectations and Watch Real Love Bloom

Real healing requires us to release the fantasy. Not just of love, but of ourselves.

You will not be the perfect partner. They will not be your savior. Healing will not be linear. Love will not always be easy. And that’s okay. Because the most beautiful, sustainable relationships are built on truth—not performance.

When I finally let go of what I thought love should look like, I made space for what it actually could be. Messy. Tender. Intentional. Mutual. Healing.

That’s when everything changed. Because I wasn’t looking for a hero. I was walking in my own healing—and attracting people aligned with that vibration.

You don’t need love to complete you. You need healing to unleash you.

Final Prompt:
Write a new definition of love based on your healing—not your pain. What does aligned, soulful love feel like to you now?

Final Words from Coach E: Love Ain’t the Destination—Healing Is

You don’t need to be fixed—you need to be felt. Fully. Softly. Unapologetically.

Love is beautiful, but it’s not the bandage. Healing is. And when you start loving yourself from the inside out, love becomes the overflow—not the goal. Real love will find you in that space. But it starts with you choosing you—over and over again.

At Ebony Unapologetic and VRN, we don’t just talk healing—we walk it, breathe it, build it. We offer coaching, journaling, collective support, and soul-deep space for women like you to rise. Not in perfection, but in truth.

Because healing Black women is revolutionary. And you, sis? You’re part of that revolution.

 
💕 Feeling this?
Join a journaling circle.
Come through to Sister Sunday.
Book a coaching session with Coach E.

Let’s rebuild the village, together. Email me at [email protected]