A Mother’s Love: Finding What Wasn’t There

They say a mother’s love is unconditional, but what happens when it’s not there? When the love you needed as a child is absent, replaced by pain, manipulation, and neglect?

For me, that’s where my story starts—with a mother who couldn’t love the way I needed her to. My mom battled demons—drugs, alcohol, and mental health issues that were never addressed. Growing up in foster care from as young as three, I didn’t have the foundation most children cling to. Instead, I had a mother who used her pain as a shield and her struggles as an excuse.

She was manipulative, abusive, and distant. I was left to fend for myself and care for my siblings while she disappeared for days at a time, chasing her high. When she was home, the love was still missing—no “I love yous,” no hugs, no warmth. Just the cold reality of survival.

And yet, here I am, a mother myself, determined to give my daughters a love I never had.

The Struggle of Learning to Love

Let me tell you, sis, it wasn’t easy. Showing affection didn’t come naturally to me. How could it, when affection was something I’d never known?

When my kids were little, it felt easier. Babies need cuddles, kisses, and care—it’s instinctual. But as they got older, I realized that saying “I love you” and showing affection weren’t habits I’d developed. I had to make a conscious decision to change that.

I never wanted my daughters to question whether they were loved. I wanted them to hear it, feel it, and know it in their bones. So I made it a habit. I tell them I love them every day. I hug them even when it feels foreign to me.

Because I know what it feels like to grow up without that love, and I refuse to pass that legacy on to my daughters.

Rewriting the Narrative

My relationship with my daughters is everything my relationship with my mom wasn’t.

We’re close. We talk. We laugh. They tell me about their day, random things they saw, and even things I don’t always want to hear. And I remind myself every day to embrace it.

Sometimes, I catch myself getting annoyed when they want to tell me something “random” or have long conversations about things that don’t seem important. But then I stop. I remind myself that this is normal. This is what a healthy relationship between a mother and her children looks like.

So I lean into it. We do art projects, cook together, do nails, paint, have game nights, and go on daughter dates. We laugh until our stomachs hurt and create memories I know they’ll carry with them.

This is the love I wish I’d had. This is the love I give them.

Understanding My Mother’s Pain

As much as I’ve grown, I’ve also worked to understand my mother’s pain. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been necessary.

I know my mom had unresolved trauma. I believe something happened to her as a child—something that was swept under the rug, leaving her silenced and broken. I believe those wounds pushed her toward drugs, which only deepened the divide between her and the world.

She’s been clean for years now, but I see the remnants of her pain in her behavior. When conversations get too deep, she slips into a baby voice—a defense mechanism that irritates everyone but speaks volumes to me. I don’t believe it’s just the drugs; I think it’s something deeper.

I’ve come to understand that her inability to love wasn’t about me. It was about her. Her pain, her trauma, her unresolved issues. And while I’ve worked to forgive her, I’ve also made peace with the fact that she may never be able to give me the love I wanted.

Choosing to Love Anyway

Being a mother is hard, but being a mother who didn’t have a mother’s love is a challenge I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Still, I’ve made a choice: to love my daughters fiercely, intentionally, and unconditionally.

I’ve chosen to rewrite the story. To break the cycle. To be the mother I needed when I was a child.

Because while a mother’s love wasn’t there for me, it’s here now—in every hug, every “I love you,” every laugh, and every moment I show up for my daughters.

A Writing Exercise: Healing the Inner Child

If you’ve ever struggled with a lack of love from your mother, here’s an exercise to help you heal:

1. Write a Letter to Your Inner Child

Speak to the little girl inside you who needed love but didn’t get it. Tell her what she needed to hear.

2. Write a Letter to Your Mother

Say everything you wish you could say to your mother—whether it’s anger, sadness, or understanding. You don’t have to send it; this is for you.

3. List the Love You Give

Reflect on the ways you show love to your children (or others in your life). Celebrate how you’ve broken the cycle.

4. Affirm Your Healing

End with an affirmation: I am enough. I give the love I never received, and I am healing every day.

Real Talk

Sis, it’s not easy to mother when you’ve never been mothered. But let me tell you—you’re doing it. You’re showing up, breaking cycles, and giving your children a love that will carry them through life.

Your past doesn’t define you. Your mother’s pain doesn’t define you. You are writing a new story, one filled with love, resilience, and healing.

And that? That is the most beautiful kind of love.

With Love & Understanding 

Coach E 💜